im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
