just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
