Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
