im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
