i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
