the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
