So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
