Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
