are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
