it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
