Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
