I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is this like a preordered booty call?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
