She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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