if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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