I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
