We're like a lot better than the average bears
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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