I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
