see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
