I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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