You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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