My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
