a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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