I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
