Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
