I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
