toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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