i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
