I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
