I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
