Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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