I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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