Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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