I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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