drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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