He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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