my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
