I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
