in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
