i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
