the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
