Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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