mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
