i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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