How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
