peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
