Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You made out with two different species that night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
