Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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