Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
