im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
