Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
