Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
